Who am I being asked to become?
Being mad about the rain when I allow it to thunder
Who am I in the absence of pressure?
Who am I in the absence of pressure?
Who am I in the absence of pressure?
How do I function when I’ve decided that the external pressure to perform is no longer going to be my driver?
Relationship with pressure
I know pressure well. We have had an enduring relationship over the past couple of decades. If I’m under pressure (emphasis on the term ‘under’) then I have no choice but to operate in ways which enable me to get whatever the task, activity, project is done. Theres no time for questions like ‘how am I feeling?’ or ‘why am I not feeling anything?’ It becomes an armour.
Questions of competence? Look how hard I am working!
Questions of identity? I’m a doer, a go-getter, someone who can be relied on to get things done.
Questions of worth? Look how hard I try, how much of myself I put in, how I contribute to my work.
This relationship with pressure has served me so well over the years. I have built systems that allow me to operate in those spaces at my highest capacity, building myself up to someone I have a lot of respect for.
The letting go
As with many adaptive behaviours, as I have stepped up to embody this pressure, to find it in empty spaces, to call on it in uncertainty, over time it has stopped serving me in the way it once did. The hardest part of growth is getting to the stage where the lessons learned are no longer for you, and you are tasked with once again stepping into unknown territory, to discover, and uncover and seek and adventure.
Who am I in the absence of pressure?
Who am I in the absence of pressure?
Who am I in the absence of pressure?
I want to understand myself in a way that makes sense to the person I show up as today.
Set a new goal! Commit to some new path! Control the unknown as best as possible…
What if that isn’t what feels right? How do I allow myself to exist in nothing, in still - that brings me so much manic chaos and uncertainty, when I know I have a ‘solution’ to that instability (however unfit it now seems)?
How do I trust that I’m not losing it, that I’m not crazy, when I know I am allowing the storm to thunder?
Relationship with intuition
I guess it’s the experience of this in the past. It’s the “I’ve been here before and it brought me to somewhere new…somewhere better…eventually”.
Trust in myself, in my own intuition, has been the hardest path to walk. I read books about how the world can be a harsh place for the survival of highly sensitive peoples relationship with their intuition. To me it represents the relationship with self, the internal voice, the guidance that feels ordained and ancient and fuzzy to describe in language.
Who am I in the absense of pressure?
I guess I’m going to find out.
